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billthomason
06-17-2005, 10:54 PM
Hey all, I wrote this short western horror story a while back for fun. Let me know what you think. Also, if anyone is ever interested in putting it in an antho book or drawing it up, I'd be more than interested in doing that. Also note, I was working with a page limit when I originally wrote it, so I think if someone shows interest in it, I'll increase it a bit as the end kind of comes together too quickly.

THE WASTELAND by William Thomason

PAGE ONE

Panel 1. Establishing Shot. A foot level view of the wide open prairie. The sun is beginning to set and in the distance heading away from the foreground is a covered wagon drawn by two horses and another rider on horseback. Ahead of them is a small herd of cattle, numbering a few dozen heads. The grass is tall and plentiful, as if it has never been grazed before. Bushes and a few trees grow sporadically throughout the countryside. At the foreground of the panel can be seen a wooden sign staked into the ground. From this distance, it is unreadable.

LUKE (WAGON PASSENGER): Boss, I don’t feel right about bein’ here. All the people back in town said we were crazy. Are you sure about this?

BOSS (WAGON DRIVER): Hell Luke. You don’t believe in that crap do ya’?

LUKE: Nah… I guess not.

Panel 2. Close up shot of the sign with the wagon far off in the distance. The words of the sign can now be made out fully. There is a skull painted on it with the word WARNING written above it.

BOSS: Just a bunch of crazy superstition. Look at this, it’s prime grazin’ land.
Haven’t seen it this good for darn near a month.

Panel 3. Medium shot of Morgan, the rider on horseback, riding up to the wagon. He is a tough looking man and has on a tan cowboy hat and a thick brown mustache.

MORGAN: Startin’ to get dark boss. I think we best set up camp.

Panel 4. Night has set in and the prairie has become a dark place. A fog has set in across the countryside. A glow breaks through the mist from a campfire.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1. A shot of the three men sitting around the campfire playing cards.

MORGAN: I call, whaddya’ got?

BOSS: Pair a’ aces.

LUKE: Same here.

MORGAN: Shit, I got three. Cheatin’ fools.

Panel 2-4. Close up shots of all three men with smiles on their faces. They are all visibly amused that they all cheated by bringing in extra cards.
Panel 5. In the distance, the shrieking of the cattle can be heard. All the men turn from the campfire and look into the fog, a look of shock covering each of their faces. They are worried about their prize herd. Shortly after that a low chattering sound can be heard.

LUKE: What the…

Panel 6. Close up shot of Morgan picking up a rifle from beside the covered wagon.

Panel 7. Medium shot from behind all three men. Luke and the Boss are still standing near the campfire while Morgan runs into the fog with the rifle in both hands.

LUKE: Where’s he off to?!?

BOSS: Somethin’s after the cattle…

Panel 8. The entire panel is filled with darkness and fog. But blasts of gunfire from the rifle create a glowing light in the fog.

PAGE THREE

Panel 1. Close up of Luke.

LUKE: MORGAN!

Panel 2. Another shot of the darkness and fog. There is no answer.

Panel 3. Close up of the boss.

BOSS: Morgan, you there?

Panel 4. Another shot of the darkness and fog. A silhouette begins to emerge from the darkness.

Panel 5. A medium shot of the Boss and Morgan. The Boss is in the left corner of the panel, his back turned, and Moran in the right side, coming towards the panel. Morgan has the rifle slung on his shoulder.

BOSS: What was it, wolves?

MORGAN: Not sure…

Panel 6. Medium shot of Morgan looking suspiciously back into the fog, the Boss and Luke are in the background at the left of the panel. He has a curious look on his face, it is one mixed with both uncertainty and caution.

MORGAN: …I don’t think so.
BOSS: How bout the cattle, they alright?

Panel 7. Close up of Morgan’s face. He is the only one in the panel this time. He is still looking towards the fog.

MORGAN: Not sure. Couldn’t see them…

Panel 8. Extreme close up of Morgan’s face. His eyes reveal that he is definitely concerned about their situation. They show doubt and a little bit of fear.

MORGAN: …We best stay close to the fire tonight.

PAGE FOUR

Panel 1. Day time the following day. Medium shot of the three men looking towards the panel. Fear and shock cover all of their faces. Luke has the biggest look of fright on his face.

MORGAN: Well… think it’s safe ta’ say it weren’t wolves.

BOSS: I think that’s a fair assessment.

Panel 2. Splash panel from behind the three men, looking out on the prairie. The grass is soaked with blood as the mutilated carcasses, mostly skeletons, litter the field. The entire herd of cattle has been decimated.

LUKE: Let’s get the hell outta’ here! I knew we never shoulda’ come here!

Panel 3. Medium shot of the Boss and Morgan, both still showing despair and shock on their faces.

BOSS: Damnit Luke. I told ya’ there’s no such thing as monsters.

MORGAN: Boss, given the circumstances, I’m gonna’ have to agree with him. Ain’t nothing I ever seen that can strip two dozen head like that. I think we should leave.

LUKE (from off panel): That might be hard to do…

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1. Medium shot of Luke looking at the wagon. The wheels have all been torn apart and splintered. There is no way that the wagon will be able to move.

LUKE: The wagon’s been torn to shit.

Panel 2. Ground level shot of the three men staring at the wagon in amazement. It’s obvious now that none of them knows what to do.

LUKE: Now how we gonna’ get out of here?

MORGAN: Whaddya’ wanna’ do boss?

BOSS: Go get the horses, Luke.

Panel 3. Medium shot of Morgan and the Boss discussing the situation. The Boss on the right, and Morgan on the left. The remains of several cattle can still be seen in the background.

MORGAN: It’s at least a five day ride back to town.

BOSS: We’ll carry as much on us as we can. I think we
best get going as soon as possible.

MORGAN: Not a bad idea, Boss.

LUKE (off panel): BOSS!!!!

Panel 4. Medium shot of Luke running back to Morgan and the Boss. Same setup of characters as in previous panel, except from the opposite side of the field.

LUKE: I can’t find the horses. They’re gone!

MORGAN: Must have run off sometime last night.

Panel 5. Close up of the Boss. He’s out of ideas now and is definitely worried about what will happen next.

BOSS: Shit… I… damn.

PAGE SIX

Panel 1. Medium shot of the three men standing silent, all pondering on what their next action should be. Morgan appears to be peering off towards the left side of the panel while the other two are more or less not looking at anything.

Panel 2. Close up of Morgan, his eyes fixed on something now. A look of suspicion covers his face.

Panel 3. Shot of the prairie. In the distance on a hill, the silhouette of a small figure can be seen.

Panel 4. Medium shot of the Boss and Luke looking off to the left of the panel (at the silhouette) while Morgan is retrieving his rifle from beside the wagon.

BOSS: What in the hell is that?

LUKE: I dunno…

MORGAN: Not waiting to find out…

Panel 5. Another shot of the prairie, with the silhouette still on the hill.

Panel 6. Medium shot of Morgan firing his rifle at the figure on the hill.

Panel 7. Another shot of the prairie, this time silhouette is nowhere to be seen.

PAGE SEVEN

Panel 1. Shot from behind the three men. Morgan is running up the hill towards where the silhouette was while the Boss and Luke remain by the wagon.

LUKE: Did you get it?

BOSS: Careful Morgan, you don’t know what’s up there.

Panel 2. Morgan is standing over a hole in the ground. It looks to go quite deep. There is a peculiar black liquid near the hole.

Panel 3. Close up of Morgan with the Boss and Luke in the far background. Morgan has a look of shock on his face as he has just noticed something very strange.

LUKE: Did you get it or not?

MORGAN: I don’t know.

Panel 4. Medium shot of Luke on the left and the Boss on the right of the panel with Morgan coming back towards them down the hill.

LUKE: Well that does it. I say we get outta’ here right now!

BOSS: On foot? We’ll never make it to town on foot. Besides, I’d rather have
the cover of the wagon when night falls.

Panel 5. Close up of the Boss, now turning to speak to Morgan.

BOSS: Whadya’ find Morg?

Panel 6. Close up of Morgan holding a large tooth in his hand. It is nearly five inches in length and has the strange black liquid running down its base onto Morgan’s fingers.

MORGAN: Rest assured… it ain’t wolves we’re dealing with.

PAGE EIGHT

Panel 1. Bird’s eye view of the prarie. It is night time now and the fog has once again set in on the field. A faint glow of campfire can be seen.

LUKE: I can’t believe we’re stuck here.

BOSS: I can’t believe the fog come back again.

MORGAN: I can’t believe you two won’t shut your yaps.

Panel 2. Medium shot of the three men huddled next to the wagon and the fire. Morgan is kneeling beside the fire at the right of the panel with his rifle ready in his hands. The boss is sitting a bit behind the fire on the left side, a double barreled shotgun in his hands. Luke is lying slightly behind the fire as well, but underneath the wagon. He has a six shooter in his hands.

LUKE: Not like it matters. Whatever it is can see the fire. It knows we’re here.

BOSS: I ain’t takin’ my chances against this thing in the pitch black.

MORGAN: Shit already, will you two keep quiet! Do you hear that?

Panel 3. Shot of the darkness and fog. Quiet chattering can be heard in the distance.

Panel 4. Close up of Morgan grabbing a piece of wood from the fire to use as a torch.

Panel 5. Close up of Morgan asking for the shotgun with the Boss in the near background.

MORGAN: Hand over the shotgun.

BOSS: Where do you think you’re goin?

Panel 6. Shot from behind with the Boss in the foreground. Morgan is walking into the fog with the torch in one hand and the shotgun in the other.

BOSS (whispering): damn fool… you’re gonna’ get yerself killed…

PAGE NINE

Panel 1. Medium shot of Morgan from the waist up. He is surrounded by fog and the campfire behind him is almost invisible. The chattering sound is still present and getting a bit louder.
Panel 2. Close up of Morgan’s face, filled with fear. The chattering sound is almost deafening.

Panel 3. Morgan has kneeled on the ground holding the shotgun in both hands ready for action. He has laid the torch on the ground next to him. The chattering has disappeared and silence falls over the prairie.

Panel 4. Close up of Morgan’s hand reaching for the torch.

Panel 5. Shot of Morgan holding the torch out in front of him as he looks around. His face is filled with terror.

MORGAN: What the…

PAGE TEN

Panel 1. Shot from slightly over Morgan’s left shoulder. The torch has illuminated the area directly in front of him and in this light is the reflection of two large oval eyes above rows upon rows of long sharp teeth. Its eyes are about level with Morgan’s waist. It lets out an incredible shrieking sound.

Panel 2. Shot back at the campfire of the Boss and Luke (now beside the fire, out from under the wagon) looking into the fog. The shrieking continues at a deafening level. Morgan’s screams and an incredible shotgun blast ring in the night. A tiny flicker of light emerges in the dark from the blast of the shotgun.

Panel 3. The same shot as before except with complete silence.

Panel 4. The same shot once again with the chattering returning and becoming very loud and very close to the wagon.

Panel 5-6. Close up shots of the faces of the Boss and Luke who are terrified beyond belief. The chattering has become so loud it looks as if they can no longer bear it.

Panel 7. Shot of the Boss and Luke cowering behind the fire by the wagon looking in all directions, holding their guns tightly. They know not what to expect. The chattering is all around them.

PAGE ELEVEN

Panel 1. Large splash shot of the wagon (the cloth top) being torn open down the middle. Tearing through the wagon cover can again be seen the reflection by the campfire of the eyes and massive teeth. Luke and the Boss fall away from the wagon in terror and surprise. The creature shrieks at the top of its lungs.

BOSS: SHIT!

LUKE: AHHHH!

Panel 2. Close up of Luke turning around as he notices something behind him. He has a frozen look of fear on his face.

LUKE: Oh my GOD!!!

PAGE TWELVE

Panel 1. Large shot from slightly above Luke (left side of panel) and the Boss (right side). The fire is in between the two of them and it has illuminated more of the creatures, again the reflection of the campfire illuminates little more than they’re enormous glassy eyes and their many razor like teeth. They are amassed around the fire and continue off in to the fog. There are likely hundreds of them. Some are beginning to pounce towards the Boss and Luke. Each of them lets loose the same shriek as the others, all together the noise seems to shake the very ground.

Panel 2. Bird’s eye view of the prairie. The glow of the campfire can still be seen and gunshots glow in the fog. The shrieking of the creatures is incredible.

Panel 3. Same shot as before. There are a few more gunshots along with the campfire. The shrieking has stopped but is replaced by the screams of both Luke and the Boss.

Panel 4. Same shot as before, but there is complete darkness. All the noises have disappeared but the quiet chattering has emerged in place of them.

Panel 5. Same shot as before. Darkness and silence.

THE END

David E. Arhar
06-18-2005, 01:10 PM
First off, I really like this story. Even though they're brief, I like the quiet moments where your characters interacted with one another. Cheating at cards was a nice touch, and immediately put a smile on my face. This tells me a good deal about your characters in a short amount of time, and humanizes them instantly. I would like to see you develop that angle more because that is the strength of your story . Give the characters more background so that the reader will sympathize with their plight. The only real problem I see is that there isn't enough meat in the story. Outside of finding the tooth and the hole (very cool, by the way) the characters do very little. I realize you were confined for reasons of space (page) limitations, but I didn't learn anything. I love your characters, but I didn't get to know them as people. Who are they, where are they going?

If you broke the story down into a brief synopsis, you would be hard pressed for any details. Please don't take this as an attack, but without more characterization, or some kind of unexpected twist, the story doesn't seem to have a point. It left me feeling empty. A perfect example of this is the movie Jaws. The plot is relatively simple. The outcome relatively predictable. It's the moments between that make it a great movie. The characters, the interaction of human beings in extraordinary circumstances. Without that, without them, I'm only interested in the shark.

I'm looking forward to seeing more.Your dialog was right on the money, and your writing style is smoother than a baby's ass.

billthomason
06-18-2005, 01:46 PM
Thanks for the comments. I think you're right on the money with what you said. The length of the story really takes away from the characterization I can do. And it's a shame because characterization is my favorite part. I've been thinking and I think you've inspired me to lengthen the story almost two fold and turn it into a full blown one shot comic, 24-32 pages. That way I can fill in all the holes, the story won't move quite so fast, and the characters will really develop a lot better.

David E. Arhar
06-18-2005, 04:18 PM
Glad I could be of some assistance, because I think it's shaping into a hell of a good story. Lengthening it out would be a good idea, because then you can take full advantage of your knack for dialog. Maybe give the story a day or two more, so the outcome will be uncertain to the reader, and your scene transitions won't seem forced. 99.9% of the time I read a short story in an comic book anthology , I can predict the ending, and I'm sure I'm not alone. The writer is only allotted so much time, so they need to make a big splash quickly.Trying to jam 20+ pages into a half dozen feels like wearing shoes two sizes too small. From my own experience it's better to let it play out the way you want it, because then your staying true to your Muse. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it, so I hope you'll post more.

billthomason
06-18-2005, 06:31 PM
Ok, I'm rewriting this pretty much from the beginning. I'll keep adding to it as I go. Here it is so far:

PAGE ONE

Panel 1. Establishing Shot. A foot level view of the wide open prairie. The sun is beginning to set and in the distance heading away from the foreground is a covered wagon drawn by two horses and another rider on horseback. Ahead of them is a small herd of cattle, numbering a few dozen heads. The grass is tall and plentiful, as if it has never been grazed before. Bushes and a few trees grow sporadically throughout the countryside. At the foreground of the panel can be seen a wooden sign staked into the ground. Drawn on the sign are a skull and crossbones with the word WARNING written above it.

LUKE: (passenger) BOSS, I DON’T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT BEIN’ HERE, WHAT WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE BACK IN TOWN SAID. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

BOSS: (driver) AW HELL LUKE. YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THAT CRAP DO YA’?

Panel 2. Close up shot of the two men riding on the wagon. Boss is holding the reins as Luke looks about the area nervously from his seat.

LUKE: WELL… I DON’T KNOW. IT’S JUST EVERYONE SAID…

BOSS: THE HELL WITH WHAT THEY SAID. BUNCH OF DAMN SUPERSTITION AND NONSENSE. YOU KNOW HOW MANY DAMN FOOL LEGENDS AND GHOST STORIES THERE ARE? SEEMS FOLKS DON’T HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN THINK UP TALL TALES ANYMORE.

Panel 3. Shot from slightly above and behind the two men on the wagon looking out onto the prairie. Tall flowing grass spans farther than the eye can see.

BOSS: BESIDES, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. IT’S PRIME GRAZIN’ LAND. IT’S LIKELY THOSE PEOPLE JUST DIDN’T WANT ANY FREEGRAZERS LIKE US “FOULING” IT.

LUKE: BUT THEY SAID WE COULD GO SOUTH AND GRAZE THERE ON OUR WAY TO…

PAGE TWO

Panel 1. Another shot of Boss and Luke talking to each other. Boss looks a bit upset and is just tired of Luke’s scared complaining. Luke is looking down at his feet a bit.


BOSS: NOW DAMN IT, LUKE. I’M TIRED OF THIS. WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW FAR SOUTH WE’D HAVE TO GO TO GET AROUND THIS. PLUS WE’D HAVE TO CROSS THE RIVER. THAT COULD TAKE DAYS OR WEEKS EXTRA. WE HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT WEST TO GET TO RAPID CITY AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE SOME CRAZY DETOUR WHEN THIS WAY IS PERFECTLY FINE.

LUKE: I’M SORRY BOSS. I SHOULDN’TA LISTENED TO THEM…

BOSS: THAT’S ALL RIGHT SON. YOU’RE YOUNG AND IMPRESSIONABLE.

Panel 2. Close up shot of Luke looking at the Boss, with a smile on his face, as he jokes with him.

LUKE: BETTER THAN BEIN’ A CRUSTY OLD CODGER…

Panel 3. Wider shot of both Boss and Luke, both with smiles on their faces as they joke with each other.

BOSS: WANNA’ GET OFF THE WAGON AND SEE WHAT THIS CRUSTY OLD CODGER CAN DO?

LUKE: WON’T YOU NEED A HAND GETTING DOWN OLD MAN?

BOSS: OH DON’T YOU WORRY NONE ABOUT ME. YOU BEST WORRY ABOUT THE BEATING YOU’RE GONNA’ GET.

MORGAN:(off panel) I’LL HOLD HIM DOWN FOR YOU BOSS.

Panel 4. Shot of Morgan, the man seated on his horse, riding up to the wagon and talking with the Boss and Luke. He also has a bit of a smile on his face as he has overheard a bit of their joking. Morgan is a tough looking middle aged man with a tan cowboy hat on and a thick brown mustache.

MORGAN: STARTING TO GET DARK THOUGH. I THINK WE BEST SET UP CAMP.

PAGE THREE

Panel 1. Aerial shot of the prairie. It is night time now. A thick fog has set in across the countryside. But the glow of a campfire breaks through the mist.

Panel 2. A shot of the three men sitting around the campfire playing cards. The wagon is barely visible behind them. The horses and cows are not in panel.

MORGAN: I CALL, WHADDYA’ GOT?

BOSS: PAIR A’ ACES.

LUKE: SAME HERE.

MORGAN: SHIT. I GOT THREE. CHEATIN’ FOOLS.

Panel 2-4. Close up shots of all three men with smiles on their faces. They are all visibly amused that they all cheated by bringing in extra cards.